The checks are in the mail. Those would be the so-called economic stimulus, or tax rebate, checks, rushed out to about 75 percent of Americans by Congress. The checks represent a pittance of your very own money (or, in the case of those who pay little or no taxes, someone else’s money) being returned to you (or, in the case of those who pay little or no taxes, falling like manna from government, as it is supposed to, according to some of them).

The stated reason for the government’s munificence (with taxpayer money) is to get a sluggish, troubled economy rocking and rolling again. The real reason is to get people all fat and happy rather than lean and mean come election time. The stimulus package was one of those bipartisan efforts so heralded publicly by stupid people, but really nothing more than one of those incumbent protection acts so heralded privately by really smart political consultants whose incomes are so large that they’ll never need rebate checks.

So, you got jobbed, as usual, but the money is coming and what are you going to do with it? According to the most recent CBS News/New York Times poll, half are going to pay bills, 18 percent are going to spend it and 27 percent say they will save or invest it. The remainder who “don’t know” are presumably the same doofuses who dead stop their cars in the middle of the street, not knowing whether they are turning left or right or going straight.

Assuming that those who say they are going to pay bills are just going to turn around and spend again (or are lying to the pollsters and are really going to spend the money the minute the check clears), about two-thirds of the country is made up of truly great, patriotic Americans who know exactly what they are supposed to do with money, and we commend them.

But what about that ornery 27 percent who want to save or invest? Their government is asking them to spend their money (of which there would have been even more without the carrying costs of first taking it, then returning it). And they are refusing! Well, they are clearly unpatriotic to say the least, and should be shunned by all whose love of country surpasses selfishness. Don’t they know if they save it their government will find a way to retax it down the road apiece? Don’t they know if they reject a government request (for the common good, as determined by the government) that next time the request will become an order?

Forget about them. At least they won’t be cluttering up the stores when the rest of us try to spend our windfall widow’s mite. But what to buy? What to buy? There are so many options. Never fear, we have suggestions.

Buy guns. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will drive liberal Members of Congress crazier than tax rebates being spent on guns. Little will make you feel better and safer than some additional firepower. You want stimulus? You got stimulus.

You may, of course, have to explain to your spouse that all guns are not created equal and are, in fact, highly specialized equipment, much like kitchen knives and household tools, each with its own specific purpose, and you have many purposes. If that does not work, and you have a spouse, you are getting enough money back to even get one for the spouse. (Please note that in fond memory of mother’s pearl-handled S & W LadySmith we have used no gender discriminatory language regarding this recommendation.)

Buy something really good still made in America, which will compound your patriotic spending. This will be both a challenge and education for you, giving you time to reflect on our global economy, with its good points and its bad points.

If Hillary Clinton is still running for President by the time you get your check, then buy a monster-screen hi-def TV. You know you want one anyway, and the Democratic Convention in Denver may be the last time you get to see Howard Dean foaming at the mouth. Without a monster-screen, you won’t get to vote on goofiest convention hat. Tear gas in hi-def? Priceless!

After you have made your considered purchases, please make a contribution to CFIF. That will also make liberals cringe, and your contribution will go directly into our mission of letting you keep more of your money away from a profligate government in the first place. Waste, fraud and abuse are, unfortunately, just another symptom of bipartisanship run amok.