Among the ironies of the failed presidential candidacy of John Kerry is that he who expressed such concern for the state of health insurance may now have imposed significant new burdens on the system by losing.
From Boca Raton to Manhattan, and very likely within other blue map blips as well, emotionally distraught liberals have been flocking to psychological counseling to alleviate a condition now officially designated as Post Election Selection Trauma (yes, PEST).
Depending on insurance policy and counseling charlatan of choice, at least some of these fragile citizens must be charging their "treatment" off to insurance. This, despite Rush Limbaugh’s heartfelt humanitarian offer to provide free counseling, with the added bonus of a national audience for sympathy, empathy and a soupçon of fame. The insurance companies dare not deny claims lest they find themselves besieged by trial lawyers, who have an amazing ability to transmute trauma into treasure and had paydays cut short by a few votes more than a load in Ohio.
While the politically scarred have been getting their day on the couch, perhaps supplemented by miraculous chemical potions as well, it is yet to be reported whether dinner party denizens who cannot control their impulse to shriek "Halliburton" between the tripe salad and squash béarnaise are being treated for a derivation of Tourette’s Syndrome.
Despite the learned diagnoses of PEST good and true, accepted by all who can differentiate Xanax milligrammage by pill color, it is just as plausible to suggest that certain self-selecting regions are merely going through a fashion cycle in which political trauma is the new black. (For the five liberals who live in Red America and must, by necessity, limit their wardrobes to camo, one must defensively proclaim that the use of the word "black" has definitions not synonymous with racism.)
The outbreak of PEST has been so sudden that its true incidence is still unknown, although it does not appear to have infected youts [sic], most likely because they once again chose to hook up and hang out in cooler places than long voting queues being harangued by prePESTites about responsibility. Some, unfamiliar with the Vibe Awards, may have believed that "Vote or Die" was just a meaningless slogan.
Sadly, perhaps tragically, the famed liberal healer known as Mama T has yet to prescribe an antidote to PEST, undoubtedly concerned that the country’s supply of gin and raisins could quickly exceed demand, zooming prices up into Saudi oil range.
The prominent conservative psychiatrist Dr. I.B. Sooth has opined that in the unlikely event conservatives ever again lose a national election, they are likely to escape the ravages of PEST. Do not underestimate, says Sooth, the prophylactic value of rapid-firing large caliber handguns into pumpkins, scooting caravans of SUVs across the fruited plain, and answering "Do Not Recall" when asked to identify Chris Matthews and Maureen Dowd.
Democrats, somewhat put out that Senator Kerry finished his campaign with some millions of donated dollars just lying around, have been clamoring for him to give the money to them. We think that money should be used to start a PEST Foundation, because this could be an epidemic. November 22, 2004