Since the year 2000, Al Gore has been having as much fun with numbers as he can, reminding us frequently that he won the popular vote for president.Ê He would be having ever so much more fun--walking his pet robot dog across the South Lawn to the helicopter, ordering up a fried bologna sandwich and a Yoo Hoo at three a.m., wearing those getdown funky earthtones in the Oval Office--if only he'd gotten the most electoral votes.Ê One of the most welcome outcomes of the midterm elections is that monologue may now be moved offstage.
Terry McAuliffe isn't having much fun with numbers, but like any self-respecting sideshow shill, he's been trying to spin that "more governors" thing, which will result in each having to raise his or her state's taxes to pay off the teachers and other unions.Ê McAuliffe will have more fun if he's thrown out as Democratic Chairman and can spend that $18 mil he made from his $100,000 Global Crossing investment without anyone watching.
Since the hard numbers weren't much fun for Tom Daschle, he started talking about narrow margins, obviously mistaking elections for horseshoes, where close counts.Ê Talking about a 50-50 nation (see Al Gore, above) don't make it so.Ê While it would be dangerous for Daschle to go to a NASCAR race unless he took Hillary Clinton to scare off the rowdies, he might oughta start studying NASCAR races, where winning by a chicken wing gets you the milk bath and the beer hat.
Nancy Pelosi and the House Democratic Caucus--this is a revelation, folks--are already NASCAR devotees.Ê Where else in the entire world could they find support for gluing their feet to the floor and turning left?
Some citizens are a bit confused over Harold Ford's fun with numbers.Ê How could he possibly challenge Pelosi's locked-in vote count for minority leader, you ask.Ê True, she did the black latex whip lady number on the votes.Ê He, a 32 year-old, third-term congressman from Tennessee, counted one wall-to-wall week of free national media exposure.Ê Sharp?Ê Ford's a well-strapped straight razor in a drawer full of butter knives.Ê Who do you think those network nitwits are going back to every time Pelosi steps in it?
Dean Barkley, who may still be Senator from Minnesota for a few more days, has had the most fun with the smallest number.Ê One telephone call from Governor Jesse Ventura, and there he was in the Members Only elevator and probably the Guinness Book of Records, to boot.Ê We shouldn't say goodbye forever.Ê While humor in Washington takes a backseat to whining and pontificating, we need a Will Rogers character in public life.Ê Who cares if Jumping Jim Jeffords has given the label "Independent" a bad name?Ê Barkley's one of the good guys.
Ralph Reed is having fun calculating how many bus loads of volunteers can dance on the head of the national political pin.Ê One more grassroots mobilization like he pulled off in Georgia and no one will care about Campaign Finance Reform's forced reduction in television attack ads, except those of us who just like free speech.Ê Does anyone remember the "reformers" cute little transfer of soft money from national to state parties?Ê Reed does, and he also knows what to do with it.
California Green Party candidate for Governor, Peter Camejo, boasted that he got more votes than Tom Daschle did in 1998, 353,000 to 163,000, proving once again that chopping down redwoods for fire to cook red meat builds brain power.Ê For liberals who are a bit slow in their logic, the 2002 votes for a doofus California gubernatorial candidate compares to the 1998 votes for a South Dakota senator in what political dimension?Ê Hell, Crossfire's Tucker Carlson claims to have gotten a write-in vote for something, and Carville probably got more than that in Louisiana, although he is too modest to say so.
Karl Rove is, of course, having more fun with numbers than other middle-aged men have with five-figure big watches, Victoria's Secret wives and James Bond cars.Ê Only thing is, if he's as smart as his newly certified reputation suggests he is, the numbers he's now having so much fun with are on a list headed "2004" in blinking green-for-go lights.
With 19 Democrat senators up for re-election in 2004, just imagine some of the Rovemares flashing through some of those heads:
Senator Edwards, have you met Senator Dole's husband?
Senator Graham, did you forget to recommend George Prescott Bush for that Supreme Court vacancy?
Senator Boxer, there's some big fella out here in a Hummer who says he's the terminator.Ê He has a lot of children with him.
Senator Hollings, we're sorry to tell you, but Strom's bored with retirement.
Senator Leahy, there's this Ralph Reed guy driving a convoy of buses to Vermont, claiming he's got 500,000 California Republicans seeking political asylum.
As a Republican strategerist, Rove does have an obligation to find opposition even against GOOD Democrats, and he is taking that sacred political oath seriously indeed.Ê In fact, the word is already on the street that he is looking for two pedophile priests on pacemakers to run against Zell Miller and John Breaux.
The President of the United States is, of course, having the most fun with numbers.Ê He's got the midterm elections.Ê He's got that 15-zip UN Security Council vote.Ê 2004.Ê 2008 (Jeb).Ê 2012 (Jeb).Ê 2016 (Laura?)Ê As a father, however, he has the future and potential sibling rivalry of twin daughters Jenna and Barbara to worry about.Ê By the time they are 35, maybe one could be President of the U.S. and the other President of Iraq.
There is, in all of this, a cautionary note for anyone having too much fun with current numbers:Ê Numbers have no memory; they're just numbers.
Next week:Ê The Stupids Step Out.November 14, 2002