From: Executive Office of the President
 
To: All Cabinet Departments
 
Subject: Upcoming Budget Cuts
 
 
Dear Recipient,
 
As you know, the federal government is currently preparing to budget for a new fiscal year. As the nation continues to grapple with yawning deficits, unsustainable entitlement spending, and widespread cost overruns (please note: all of which were caused by George W. Bush), the White House remains committed to reigning in federal expenditures. This is all part of President Obama’s stated goal of lowering the federal debt to a sensible level within three years of the inevitable implosion of the sun.
 
This new budget will require shared sacrifice. As a result, we are calling on all cabinet departments to refine their workload down to a focus on core tasks. As such, the White House is providing the following guide to policy priorities and spending cuts for the coming year:
 
Department of Justice: The DOJ’s primary focus remains the efficient enforcement of federal law. As part of this mission, DOJ will retain a focus on voting assistance, particularly through extensive assistance to community outreach organizations such as the New Black Panthers. It will also continue a focus on preventing acts of terrorism. This task will be carried out through the aggressive use of law enforcement agencies, unless the accused perpetrators are Islamic extremists, in which case they will be required to watch multiple episodes of HBO’s award-winning psychotherapy drama “In Treatment.”
 
Department of Education: In order to preserve the sanctity of America’s classrooms, the Department of Education will work to ensure union contracts that make it impossible to fire a public school teacher for any offense that does not rise to the level of prosecution by the International Criminal Court.
 
Department of the Treasury: Treasury will continue to decry any free-market initiatives as “Enron-style accounting” while simultaneously employing the bookkeeping methods of the Gotti Family. Also, to save money on administrative costs, all Treasury forms will now be printed exclusively in Mandarin.
 
Department of State: In order to subdue costs, American embassies abroad are being ordered to curtail “Take Your Dictator to Work” days.
 
Department of Health and Human Services: [The administration was unable to identify any inefficiencies in government-provided health care.]
 
Department of the Interior: To cut down on veterinary costs, the administration is imposing an individual mandate that will require all animals protected under the Endangered Species Act to either purchase health insurance or pay a fine (please note: the fine is not to be referred to as a ‘tax’ unless challenged in federal court.)
 
Department of Defense: In order to achieve economies of scale, the Pentagon will be merged with the Peace Corps in the coming fiscal year.
 
Department of Transportation: To avoid redundancy, DOT’s new fleet of Toyota Priuses will not feature braking mechanisms.
 
Department of Housing and Urban Development: [The Administration remains unable to identify what this department does].
 
Department of Energy: To further DOE’s green agenda, all Department work will now be conducted with quill pens in offices lit by an 18th century candelabra. 
 
Department of Agriculture: All future farm subsidies are to be delivered in the form of a “groupon.”
 
Department of Commerce: Though it is anticipated to be a hardship for some employees, DOC will transition from a five-day weekend to a four-day weekend.
 
Department of Labor: To save on baseline costs, all union graft is now to be delivered in burlap sacks instead of commemorative canvas totes.
 
Department of Veterans Affairs: To increase workforce productivity, VA employees are no longer required to attend the sensitivity training seminar entitled “Nancy Pelosi Thinks War is Bad Because of an Article She Read in 1968.”
 
Department of Homeland Security: Employees stationed near the international boundary with Mexico will be furloughed for four days a month as part of the innovative new “Open Borders Friday” program.
 
We recognize that these policy shifts will take some getting used to. But you can rest assured that the president remains as committed as each of you to an efficient, effective federal government that works around the clock to meet its citizens’ needs. The e-mail he sent from the golf course in Martha’s Vineyard made that clear.