Memo To:  Mainstream Media
From:  Barack Obama
Date:  November 5, 2008

As we all know, words can be hurtful, and many (far more than you might immediately think) are  codes for racism.  During the campaign, most of you voluntarily restrained your use of hurtful words, for which I am deeply grateful.

If we could together be this successful in herding the American people into a glorious new era of hope, change and income redistribution on a voluntary basis, just imagine what we can accomplish on a compulsory basis.  As a constitutional scholar, I can tell you that the First Amendment (not the only one of those archaic constitutional concepts to be dealt with) is about to change anyway, so we may as well go ahead and get started on our glorious progressive agenda.

Thus, henceforth, the following words will be banned:

William Ayers
Bernadine Dohrn
Tony Rezko
The Reverend Jeremiah Wright
Father Michael Phleger
Louis Farrakhan
Rashid Khalidi
Communist
Socialist
Liberal
ACORN
Voter Fraud
Illegal Campaign Contributions
Sarah Palin
Rush Limbaugh
Sean Hannity
Laura Ingraham
Fox News Channel

That's just a brief, transitional list, with others to be added soon.  If you have questions regarding some you are not sure about at this early date, please call Michelle, who will submit really tough calls to Keith Olbermann and Bob Herbert.

There is no immediate need to ban the word "Republican."  There are going to be so few around, and those who are will be so quiet that you will rarely need to refer to them. When you absolutely must refer to them, something like "those people" might substitute nicely, but I leave that to your usual fair and balanced discretion.

Some words will require new designations.  For example, taxes will be hereinafter referred to as "economic adjustment offerings," and you will get many opportunities to incorporate that phrase into your reportage.

Chris Matthews will be distributing official interview questions next week.

I am following up on Bill Keller's suggestion that we confiscate the Hay-Adams Hotel for use as the Washington Press Resort, and Paul Krugman is working on the newspaper bailout package.  Nancy and Harry are really hurrying the final touches on a new Fairness Doctrine, which will get rid of a lot of your talk radio and Internet competition.

Oh, I almost forgot.  The secret press appreciation party will have a "bikini beach" theme.  The Secret Service advises that will help a lot in assuring that no video cameras or recording devices are inadvertently brought in.

I am looking forward to being seen by you.