BOSTON – President John F. Kerry today declared the 2008 Presidential race to be over, based on polls that show Senator Barack Obama at or near 50 percent of the vote. Kerry also announced that he would immediately initiate early presidential transition for the Democratic candidate to affect an orderly takeover of the government and to prevent the theft of White House silverware that occurred during the last changeover.

President Kerry, who won the 2004 Presidential race in exit polls before he lost it when the real votes were cast, spoke from the sidewalk in front of his (wife’s) Boston mansion, sometimes referred to as the Boston White House, even though it is red brick.

Confronted by reporters who reminded him that Al Gore was ahead by eleven points in October 2000, before losing to President George W. Bush that November, Kerry said, “I have but one word to say to that: Chicago.” He then spoke at characteristic length to explain himself, while reporters set up a pool to go for coffee and doughnuts through the ordeal.

“Al Gore had nothing, not even a Vice Presidential candidate from his own party. Barack Obama has Joe Biden, who will lie about what he had for breakfast or where he ate it if that will get them elected. Barack Obama has me. If I hadn’t let him make that speech in 2004, he’d still just be voting “present” in Illinois and palling around with all those really creepy people who had to be thrown under the bus.

“Barack Obama has the support of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Why, just the other day, Hillary made a speech for him in, oh, what’s the name of that place? Oh right, Canada. And Bill was saying some real nice stuff as he left for that six-week trip to Europe, almost as nice as what he said about John McCain.

“Barack has the support of the Socialist Party and the Communist Party, although The New York Times absolutely refuses to print that story. That’s how much they are in the tank for John McCain.

“He has the support of every one of the unindicted union bosses.

“He has the support of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who can’t wait to again start giving mortgages to folks who can’t pay for them, just as soon as Barack and Nancy and Harry get the heat off.

“He has the support of that great richest American, Warren Buffett, when he has time away from cutting deals that would embarrass a loan shark.

“Illegal aliens love him.

“John Edwards loves him, and just regrets that he can’t campaign so much until he gets all that other love stuff squared away. The same with former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who is trying to do his part by sending out direct mail from jail. William Jefferson, even though he has his own tough re-election, has pledged $90,000 to the campaign if he can get it back from the FBI.

“Europe is bagged and tagged. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, aleyhi salaam, and Raul Castro and Hugo Chavez and Bashar al-Assad are all fighting over who gets to meet with him first without preconditions. Bill Ayers, who I think Barack is going to name appointments secretary, told me the other day that Barack was thinking about having them all come at once. Now wouldn’t that go a long way toward reshaping our reputation in the world?

“But I repeat what I said much, much earlier. Barack has Chicago, if you get my meaning. I know there’s something of a debate over whether it was the Chicago mob or Mayor Daley who took Illinois for JFK in 1960. Doesn’t matter. That’s just the Chicago political machine squabbling, and Barack is of the Chicago political machine. Boy are those gears cranking, sending those ACORN voter registration solicitors into all the swing states.

“You think you have seen dead people vote? You haven’t seen anything yet. Barack Obama has Chicago and this thing is over.”

During his press conference, President Kerry was accompanied by his psychiatrist, who privately told sympathetic reporters that encouraging Kerry’s delusions could aid in his complete recovery.

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was reached for comment at a campaign rally in Zanesville, Ohio – attended by everyone in town other than emergency personnel.

“Why, bless his heart,” Palin said.