The "Phony," Subversive Presidential Campaign of Stephen Colbert

We were out waterboarding the neighbor's children when Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for President, so we are playing catch-up on one of the most important political stories of our time.

Colbert (pronounced cold bear for those who do not watch him), the television satirist who eclipses the late Ali G as a phony interviewer of real people with low IQs, claims to be running a phony campaign, although his television network is yet to receive threatening letters from even the dumbest U.S. Senator. 

The Colbert campaign is, in fact, one of the most blatant attempts to steal the White House since Abraham Lincoln walked across America by candlelight, voting 116, 573 times in 11 states with no identification, accompanied only by his straight man, one William "Pyro" Sherman.  (Sherman kept lighting matches outside polling places, pioneering a campaign technique that would later become known as a power point presentation, so devastatingly effective that it is banned for CIA interrogations, although used by Al Gore to win the Nobel Peace Prize.)

Colbert (maybe it's pronounced cold beer and we've just been hearing it wrong) is running as both a Democrat and a Republican in a shameless effort to be both for and against stuff simultaneously, rather than sequentially (which did not work out well for John Kerry in 2004 and isn't working out so well for Mitt Romney currently).

In addition, by immediately identifying himself as bipolitical, Colbert will be eligible to participate in both parties' presidential debates, appearing on the left side of the stage in some and on the right in others.  Through subliminal suggestion, he will also virtually wrap up the vote of all citizens who are bisexual, bicyclers, biracial and ambidextrous.

As the nation's first bipolitical candidate for president, Colbert will be recognized as ideologically challenged and thus be given extra time to complete his debate answers, a separate dressing room, purple jelly beans, a handicapped parking sticker and certain other lavish entitlements as befit his minority status.

The most insidious, invidious and just plain sneaky aspect of Colbert's campaign is his deceptive, subversive, one-state election strategy.  He claims that he's only running in South Carolina and will thus not have to slog through the corn dogs of Iowa, the snows of New Hampshire, the bikini beach rallies of California or the butterfly ballots of Florida.  But this is so-called truthiness gone to the dark side.  Does anyone really believe that Colbert is not going to be signing books in Yuckamaw Falls, South Dakota or that his book sales — representing in-kind contributions to his presidential campaign — will be restricted to Sam's Clubs in South Carolina?

At this very moment, cadres of election law attorneys are examining the numerous violations of campaign finance law that the Colbert campaign has already made and continues to make, as if comedian/politicians are somehow exempt.  Where is John McCain?  Where is Russ Feingold?  Where, indeed, is the Supreme Court? 

Mike Huckabee is funny.  But he's obeying the law, not flouting it.  Ditto Mike Gravel, who is almost as funny as Colbert.  No one's accusing them of really bad stuff. 

Just the other day, Colbert held a book-signing for Chinese restaurant waiters and dishwashers who thronged to be allowed to pay $1,000 for an autographed copy of his book.  Did Tim Russert grill Colbert on that or was he bought off with an order of Norman Hsu pork?

Colbert even has corporate sponsors for his campaign:  Comedy Central, which provides free television time, and Doritos, which is said to be developing his for-the-children nutrition plan.  That's illegal (not to mention a prejudicial slap in the face to all voters who prefer a healthier snack of Slim Jims and carrot sticks), and the evil, faceless corporate barons who are backing Colbert know it. 

Oh, but it's just a phony campaign for the amusement and enrichment of Monsieur Colbert, say his lackeys.  Well, tell that to poor Bill Richardson and Dennis Kucinich, who Colbert has already surpassed in polling.  Humor vs. the ideas of the Far Left? Obviously no contest.

As the campaign heats up, the Hillary Clinton War Room will undoubtedly reveal that Stephen Colbert is nothing more than a homo sapien masticator of adulterated food products and his humor will be dwarfed by the Queen of Cackle.

That, as well as the campaign finance gendarmes, may be the least of Colbert's worries.  Keith Olbermannskivich has just, reliably as always, reported that only by a vote of 3-2 has the Late Night Comedian Mafia voted not to put a Rosie O'Donnell Bobble Doll head in Colbert's bed, but Jay Leno is demanding a recount.