With press attention currently trained on the potential Republican presidential candidates for 2012, members of the Obama campaign team are taking advantage of the relative absence of the media spotlight to begin developing electoral strategy for the 44th president’s reelection campaign from their Chicago headquarters. Up until now, the contents of that strategy have been a closely guarded secret. But thanks to the work of the Center for Individual Freedom’s crack team of investigative reporters (all of whom are credited as “jobs saved or created” by the Obama Administration for the purpose of government statistics), that material has now become public. Here, for the first time, are the contents of the document our team has unearthed:

 
Strategy Memo
Obama for America Reelection Campaign 2012 (a Division of the AFL-CIO)

General Prospects:  As we begin considering the political landscape of 2012, it is obvious that President Obama’s chances for reelection are highly uncertain. The nation’s mood has shifted greatly since the 2008 election.

We can no longer count on the strength of the president’s soaring rhetoric, since many Americans have now learned that his speeches consist primarily of repurposed Justin Bieber lyrics. Nor can we run a de facto campaign against George W. Bush, especially given the federal government’s ongoing cover-up of the fact that Bush himself killed Osama Bin Laden with piano wire and a derringer.  As such, the broad thrust of our strategy remains uncertain. 

Currently, our top strategists are exploring the feasibility of nationwide hypnotism. Experts inform us, however, that this approach is unlikely to work as long as Oprah Winfrey no longer has a platform on national television.  Consequently, we are currently limiting ourselves to focusing on how to deal with the most difficult issues that the president may face on the campaign trail. Here are the tentative guidelines we’ve developed:
 
The Stimulus Package:  The president will face criticism that after nearly $800 billion in government spending, the economy has yet to make significant strides in the right direction. We will hit back hard, noting that out of the five jobs that the stimulus created, three included access to a company car (a hybrid, naturally). We will also note that much of the stimulus money was redirected to foreign aid. We will remain silent, however, about the fact that “foreign aid” is a euphemism for the fact that Vice President Biden fell prey to an e-mail scam from a man claiming to be a Nigerian prince.
 
Health Care:  Our opponents will attempt to capitalize on the notion that our health care reform plan represented a government takeover of the medical industry. We will rebut this argument by strongly implying that we saw Paul Ryan robbing a senior citizens’ home with a group of oil executives. 
 
Weakness in Foreign Affairs:  The president will be hit with allegations that he is a feckless commander-in-chief, unable to quickly or resolutely make decisions. We are currently at work on a behind-the-scenes documentary film that will undercut these claims. The movie will show moments where the president acted with executive dispatch, including when he personally selected the appropriate iPod for the Queen of England, when he issued an executive order prohibiting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed from receiving turndown service at Guantanamo Bay, and when he successfully negotiated Middle East peace (we’re still waiting on that last piece of footage, but it should arrive any day now).
 
Cultural Elitism:  We can count on populists to attack the president for talking about arugula to voters in Iowa, disparaging rural Americans for being “bitter” and “cling[ing] to guns or religion” and taking frequent and lavish vacations. To give him the common touch, we are currently working on securing the president a role as judge on the next season of “American Idol.” This will only be successful, however, if we can reign in his natural tendency to blame the travails of losing contestants on “big insurance companies” and “fat-cat bankers.”
 

In short, we expect a hotly contested but ultimately successful reelection campaign. After four years, it is still clear that we are the ones we’ve been waiting for – despite the fact that no one at headquarters has been able to ascertain exactly what that means.