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| The Hillary E-mails Revealed [Satire] |
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By Troy Senik
Monday, March 16 2015 |
Hillary Clinton thought she could get around this. When the news broke that the former Secretary of State had been using private e-mails during her tenure in President Obama’s Cabinet, Mrs. Clinton did what she does best: obfuscated. While she claimed that she turned over all relevant e-mails to the government, Mrs. Clinton also said that she “chose not to keep” nearly half of the correspondences — approximately 30,000 — because they were personal in nature. That determination, however, was made by Mrs. Clinton and her lawyers, leading to speculation that some of the e-mails were destroyed not because they were personal but because they contained damning information that she did not want made public. We simply have no way of knowing otherwise. Or at least we didn’t. Now, for the first time, those e-mails can be seen. Through the work of a crack team of investigators here at the Center for Individual Freedom, we have unearthed Mrs. Clinton’s suppressed correspondences. What follows are excerpts from some of the most revealing exchanges.
What are you thinking? What the hell are you thinking? I know we agreed that all correspondence between us was going to be handled by our offices, but I can’t wait around for whichever University of Miami Pi Beta Phi is answering your phones these days. This is the 21st century, Bill! Paper trails don’t go away. Remember Mitt Romney’s taxes? The press practically gave him a public colonoscopy. Do you really think they’re not going to notice a six-figure tab on an American Express black card from the former President of the United States? The only trouble the media is going to have with this story is figuring out where to start. $30,000 at a “restaurant” called “The Lust Palace?” A charter plane to take you to a Burger King? Buying out an entire theater for the opening night of Fifty Shades of Grey? This is why they invented cash, you moron! Lock it down. How about you wait to play Wolf of Wall Street until we get back to 1600 Penn? HRC
From: hdr22 @ clintonemail.com B, This is what they elected you for. Get out of the fetal position and do the damn job. This isn’t the UChicago faculty lounge. It’s time to man up. Light up a Marlboro if that’s what it takes, but people are going to start noticing if the President of the United States doesn’t have a response to something of this magnitude. Let me suggest that your first step be to stop asking questions like “Where’s Benghazi again?” It’s bad enough that you said that in the first place. It’s worse that you said it while using the golf simulator. Look, take it from an old pro: There’s always a way to handle these things. Just find a scapegoat. Just spitballing here: All you need is one anti-Muslim crank on the Internet. Then we say his propaganda was getting people in the region all worked up. You think the press will dig into it? Please, they’ll swallow whatever we feed them as long as we pre-chew it. None of them want to be at their desk after 5 PM anyway (you know how that goes). Then we just make sure that whoever is our point person on the story is expendable. I’d recommend S Rice. I know you like her, but c’mon — the UN job? Her main responsibility is making small talk with the representative from Vanuatu. You can live without her. Also, I’ve got some paperwork on Petraeus that might be helpful… HRC
From: hdr22 @ clintonemail.com Joe, You know I’ve always thought highly of you and that you were a great colleague in the Senate. That said, I’m about out of patience on this topic. For the last time: No, he’s not a real Nigerian prince. No, he doesn’t actually have an inheritance that he’d like you to hold on to for him. And no, I don’t think it’s a great idea for you take Air Force Two to Lagos for a “fact-finding mission.” Joe, I know your heart’s in the right place, but you have to stop forwarding this stuff to me. I have a job to do. So no more of this. Except the funny cat videos. Keep those coming. HRC |
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