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Dear President Obama,
 
Age disabuses us of many of the sweetest fables of our childhood. When I was younger, I believed that one man circled the globe every Christmas Eve giving away the products of someone else’s labor without regard to merit. Now I realize that’s basically your job. It’s probably for the best – eventually the elves would’ve unionized, the sleigh would’ve failed its emissions tests and the old man would’ve figured out that it just made more sense for him to kick back at the North Pole and collect unemployment.
 
Since you’re the one in the business of dispensing plenty, I thought I’d address my Christmas list to you this year. This should be pretty easy for you. You see, I’m a conservative (we’re a major political movement that … you know what, just look it up). And because I’m a conservative, I don’t want much more from you than to be left alone most of the time. Thus, my list this year is of things I’d like you to take away, not things I want from you. Please give some thought to getting rid of the following: 

1. Your Wife’s Crusade Against Junk Food – Here’s the thing: I’m a stress eater and nothing stresses me more than a woman with a personal chef hectoring some kid in the suburbs for eating a Twinkie. So if she stops, I’ll stop. Deal?

2. Every Cabinet Department That’s Named After a Sector of the Economy – Education, Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, Energy, Agriculture, Labor; is it just me or are all of these departments just an excuse for you to throw money at people you like until a Republican wins the presidency and gets to throw money at all the people he likes?

3. Your Weekly Video Addresses – So you can sit in a chair and deliver endless self-important monologues. I get it, but that’s not especially presidential, okay? Really, the camera is the only thing that makes you any different from the guy that everyone tries to avoid in the rest home rec room.

4. Intrusive Environmental Regulations – I’m a reasonable guy. I turn the lights off when I leave the room, only use my A/C when it’s needed and limit my electricity consumption by stealing my neighbor’s Internet. So please stop bugging me about what kinds of light bulbs I’m using and whether or not I’m driving a Prius. John Wayne would shoot out the tires on a Prius. As an American, that strikes me as a reasonable yardstick for judging public policy.

5. Julian Assange – One of the few things I expect from you to is to keep us safe. But how can I trust you to go nose to nose with Al Qaeda when you can’t stop a guy who looks like the Keebler Elf with the fastest modem? I don’t care how you punish him, but I could think of worst places to start than with a TSA patdown.

I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll limit my requests to those few items. One tip though: If you are able to deliver some of these gifts this year, I’d recommend knocking on the door instead of coming down the chimney. My family clings to their guns pretty bitterly.